Here's some highlights from my Dilbert newsletter for this quarter:
BIZARRE NEWS:
NIAGARA FALLS, NY – Stunt man Lucky Hinterman died while attempting to go over Niagara Falls in a barrel. Brother and equipment manager Brent Hinterman took full responsibility for the tragedy. "I was in charge of getting the barrel all cushioned and reinforced. But my son had a soccer game, and in my book, family comes first." When asked if he considered his brother to be a member of the family, Brent said, "Well, I suppose that's one way to look at it."
EUGENE, OR – Bradley Wilkerson came out of a coma yesterday, only to realize that he couldn't think of anything worth saying or doing. Five years ago, never known for his vibrant personality, Wilkerson had been in a coma for ten days before anyone in his family noticed. "He'd always been a good listener but I noticed that he kept wearing the same clothes," said wife Peggy.
Doctors at Our Lady of Perpetual Motion described his coma as self-induced. "It looked voluntary to us," explained Doctor Spumken. "Sometimes we see guys who are just trying to beat the system. You know – free intravenous meals, don't have to work, sponge baths. But we can usually weed them out with tickling. This guy had a lot of self-control."
TANNERSVILLE, NY – Scientists have discovered that your nose DOES grow when you lie. Head researcher Toby Flemming explained, "You've probably noticed that people's noses get bigger as they get older. That's because old people are huge liars. You don't know that they're lying most of the time because they're so experienced at it." Explained Flemming, "The typical married male's proboscis grows 15% over his lifetime just from agreeing with his wife in the hope that it will make her stop talking."
TRUE TALES OF INDUHVIDUALS:
I was sitting in the lunchroom with a coworker, and he noticed a "funny" pattern on one of his socks. He told me that his socks were the same color, but the pattern of one was not right. He just couldn't figure out what was wrong. I let him ponder the situation for five minutes and then I informed him that he was wearing one sock inside out. He is our director of quality.
INDUHVIDUAL QUOTES:
"My arms were knee-deep in mud."
"The squeaky wheel is the one that makes the most noise."
"I hate to throw cold water on your bubble."
"Make sure you cross your p's and q's."
"A little pain never hurt anyone."
"I am not the woman I used to be, and I never was!"
DOGBERT LETTERS:
Dear Dogbert,
I work with a completely moronic and misogynistic son of a... Anyway, he keeps checking my work in search of any mistakes so he can tell on me. The problem is that I (as a member of DNRC) don't make any noticeable mistakes whereas he, on the other hand, keeps messing up because he's totally focused on my work. What can I do so he'll back off?
Ximena
Dear Eczema,
Go to a web site that features women in prison who are looking for romance, and start writing to one of them using your coworker's name and home address. Select a prisoner who is nearing parole for a violent crime and then profess your undying (ironic) love for her. Then just wait.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
Dear Dogbert,
How should I handle creepy men that hit on me at work? Apparently they all think I'm hot.
Heather
Dear Hotter,
Mr. Adams requested that he answer your question personally. He will stop by your cubicle tomorrow. Say around lunchtime?
Sincerely,
Dogbert
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